colors of grief

I’ve been looking at a lot at photos on facebook.  Beautiful photos of beautiful families.  Faces, new and old to me who I love very much.

All of a sudden I had tears in my eyes.  I asked myself...”What?”  “When did I start crying?”  “What are you crying about?”  

Then I realized...you are still grieving.  There will always be a part of you that will be sad about not having biological children.  Sometimes I feel really robbed.  I’m 33 and my arms are empty.  I know they will be filled soon, and that brings me joy, but I still feel the pain of time lost.  

I have no memories of the four children that God gave me and Dan and that hurts.  My first child would be about 9 years old.  Number 2 would be about 9 as well.  Zoe would have been 5 this year, and baby number 4 would be approaching his or her first birthday. I should have pictures of kids on bikes, ripping open packages on Christmas day, beaming smiles with puppy dogs, trips to the museum, or walks in the park.  I wish I had those pictures.  I wish I had those experiences.  

God is still good.  He suffers with me.  He suffered first.  I can be like him in my suffering.  I am thankful for this.  

There are many colors in grief.  Today it’s blue.