a recollection and nights of mourning

I thought it might be interesting for me to reflect on each chapter of my little allegory for the next several weeks. I've been utterly blessed to hear how the simple story of God's grace in my life has been touching others. I will say it took a little chutzpah to put it out there in the great big world of judgement, but upon doing so I felt the release that comes with sweet freedom. The freedom to be myself, admit my failures to trust an all-loving, soul-nourishing God through one of the darkest times of my life. He used my failure to bring about a character shift in me, so great that I will end my days knowing that it was pivotal to my entire story.

The first chapter "A Recollection" is a recount of the actual events of each miscarriage, leading up to the fourth one which required a visit to the hospital for a D&C. There were so many encounters with doctors that left me hopeless. There is really so very little understood about miscarriages. I had every test imaginable and they revealed nothing. These appointments were stored away in my mind, as well as each traumatic experience that accompanied them. They were stored away with an easily accessed replay button...

Have you ever had a screen roll out for you in your mind's eye at night? It seems at night when we are trying to let go of the day and sleep our cares away, it's a time for the enemy to remind us of things. I struggled with this deeply during the darkest days of my depression. Every single night after the trauma of my third miscarriage, I replayed the scene over and over again. It led to a new home rental. At the time we were living in a condo in Coon Rapids Minnesota, and I could no longer physically handle being in the place that reminded me so much of what I'd lost. I searched my heart and asked myself time and again if I was being too melodramatic. Couldn't I let this go and move on? Trauma does something to your brain. There is psychology behind it which I won't go into here, but it has a tendency to stall your development as a child. I really think as an adult it stops you in your tracks and if not dealt with properly can keep you there for some time.

Only through the guidance of a Christian counselor and love from family and friends I started to let that pain go. It honestly took a lot of time. It took time to realize that I was the one who had to make the move to start healing. God's Spirit was beckoning me, but I had to take the first step. I had to physically and mentally choose things that were good for me. I constantly share that advice with the grieving in my life, I say, "be good to yourself in your grief." "If you don't, who will?" For me, that looked like many different things. It will for you as well.

I would not trade my "nights of mourning" if I were allowed to do so. They gave me a place to be real. A place to soak the bedsheets with the tears of a little lost lamb. I so needed to realize that trusting the hand of the Father was the best thing I could do. It just took time to see past the hurt I was feeling.

"Do not be a terror to me; you are my refuge in the day of disaster." Jeremiah 17:17